September 2006. The Pasadena Star News published an article on me in the community section, me being a John Muir alum heading off to Peace Corps Morocco.
Fast forward to December 2020. My grandfather passes away in Florida. I'm in California and I need to clean out his place. As I'm going through the drawers, one of the things I find is that article. And the only thing that was underlined in it was the line noting that I am half Guyanese.
That was a moment for me. I felt like I needed to step up my pride. My Guyanese pride. Because he was someone who was very proud of being Guyanese. He had a map on his wall of the natural resources that make the country so rich. And I didn't have anything in my home that represented it, because I do love me some Guyanese food, but that's not something that sustains.
When I was cleaning out his place, I found a keychain of the Guyanese flag. And I said, there's my moment to shine. That was December 2020, and I haven't taken it off my keychain since.
Now let's go back further. Early 90s. My parents get divorced. My dad is Egyptian. My mother is Guyanese.
Fast forward again, to when my then grandmother's husband passed in June. I went to help her clean out the house because she was going to sell it. I'd been to that house before, but this time she handed me these pieces and said, do you want them? This is my Guyanese grandmother handing me these beautiful Egyptian pieces.
I said, “Hold up, where did you get these from?” Because growing up, my mom didn't even have Egyptian things in the house, which I can understand. That's her ex-husband. She doesn't need more reminders than having a child who is half of him.
But being at my grandmother's house and discovering these pieces was fascinating. My Guyanese grandmother handed me Egyptian pieces and asked if I wanted them. I asked how she got them, and she said, “Your dad gave them to me from one of his trips when he came back from Egypt.” I told her I didn't remember growing up and seeing them in her house. But I guess by then my grandparents had already gotten divorced, and by the time she moved away with her husband, that's when she had them.
It made me realize she'd had these pieces the whole time, and she kept them because she knew one day I would want them. She didn't need to do that. Grandparents be knowing.
There's so much conversation right now about being Egyptian, which also led me to write about how there are so many people out here who are self-hating. They're constantly trying to tell other people who they are, or projecting onto other people, without realizing the impact that has. Maybe on someone who is processing their identity or going through an identity shift.
Identity is layered and complex, and I think it's personal, similar to spirituality, where people don't get to tell you who you are, especially people who don't know you. You get to define who you are for yourself.
Even if there are countries that have been colonized, even if generations after you have lived there, you identify what layer you are most connected to. Maybe that's the external representation where you stop at that layer. But those ancestral roots, like any root, are always going to be there. It's not that it's not there. It's just that there are layers you're more connected to.
And in a country that's constantly trying to divide and conquer, where people are losing their minds whether they're showing it or not, don't impose identity on people. It's hard enough for some people when they go to fill out forms with boxes to check. You don't know what people are going through internally, similar to how you don't know what people are going through externally. They could be dealing with a divorce. They could be dealing with a parent they recently lost. They could be dealing with a medical diagnosis.
Everyone deserves the grace to figure that out for themselves.
I'm grateful my grandmother kept this Egyptian stuff and my grandfather had this keychain. This is when the two worlds come together.
You get to define who you are for yourself. And if you're lucky, it's with the support of the people who love you. Not in a fraudulent way, because we know those people exist. But in a way that's honest for you.
Explore the pieces, and hold yourself whole.